| Wednesday Wisdom |
Caught Slippin'
I was slippin'. Not on a wet floor or on an unseen substance in the street. I was slippin' and slidin' on me. I was even slippin' on the words needed to express what was happening on the inside of me. Letting folks get away with laying their garbage at my door. Me, acting like I don't know crazy when I see it, hoping it will change. Yeah, I was slippin' until a friend caught me and saved me from cracking my head and busting my butt on some crap that was not mine.
At one point, I thought I had a sign on my head that said, "all crazy people stop here." I had to ask myself why did I let them in and entertain them once they arrived. I thought I could handle being a receptacle for their pain, childhood disappointments, and unresolved anger. I thought having the knowledge that they were projecting their madness onto me was enough to insulate myself from harm. Words do hurt; even if you know what someone says is not true and that their words say more about them than you, they still hurt. I don't care how balanced you think you are, being the target of another persons abuse knocks you off balance. I began to ask who is crazy, was it them or was it me for trying to investigate the catalyst of their dysfunction. I thought if I could find the logic, I could then show them what their crap looks like when they throw it at another person. The problem with that strategy is that unlike a broken arm, you can't fix crazy.
Everything and everyone does not need nor want me to fix them, some just want to be let go. Although I don't like to give up on people, especially family, I have learned everyone is not able to appreciate my light and love. I remember someone telling me you can't throw away family. Well I may not throw them away, but I can provide enough distance to reevaluate how and when we might share the same space. Then there are some folks that pass through with too much toxic waste for me to ever consider sharing the same space.
When I start slippin' on me that means I need to cleanse my space. A Fast is a perfect way to stop myself long enough to gain clarity. When I cleanse, I detoxify my system of waste. I am able to see what crap is mine and what crap is someone else's. I wobble under the weight of excess crap. I cleanse so I am able to see what is versus what I want it to be. I have learned in relationships if you have to work too hard for that person to gain an understanding of you, than more than likely there is an attraction without a connection. A connection is something you feel not something you force. If the feeling does not flow in a mutual direction, you have to let it go. You cannot divert your course from your wants and needs to make the unworkable work.
So when my dear friend told me I was slippin,' I took it as a wake up call. I needed to check myself and the invitation cards I was sending out. No one can spend more time in my space then I allow. I had to own my part and empower myself to be okay with cutting folks off and letting them go to preserve the core of me. Preserving me means being good to me, which means I'm not caught slippin' on someone else's crap.
In the Meantime….Be Good to You!